Forgive me!

I cant promise that I will never leave you. I mean physically. I mean when I am still alive. I mean when I don’t have job that appeals me to travel. I mean if I want to go away. I mean I really can leave you if I feel to go away.

I know, you have not seen me smoking. But your mother smokes. Smokes like hell. I know, you have not seen me drinking. But your mother drinks like crazy. Not whisky, just beer. But drinks. Drinks a lot. But not when we are together. Not when I kiss your lips. Not when you sleep in my arms. Please note.

I know, you have not seen me getting wild and losing control over myself. But your mother sometime loses her control, breaks glasses or whatever breakable. Just scare, someday your head too. The biggest thing to break but not impossible. You don’t know your mother, a crazy woman, now you have as your mother. Please note.

I know what you have in your small head about me. Mother comes home with apple, oranges, momos, pizza after her office. Mother brings cube game, blocks, color books when she has money. Mother buys all the clothes you have. Mother can buy anything, can do anything, and can kick any assholes. Mother is meant to be super hero. She can buy a stethoscope and check you at home. You don’t need a doctor. Mother can decide whether you can have momo or not when you are sick.

Amazing.

I don’t have that image of my mother. She was helpless; still she can’t decide anything for us. You know why, because it was not her decision to give us birth. She didn’t have any choice. But I had choice, I decided, I did everything and I can decide everything for you with your consent. Except, when you are in life or death position. I will not discuss with you whether you want to live or die. Silly na? Of course not. You don’t understand.

I didn’t realize you were scared. Maili thuli told me later that you cried for an hour. I rememeber, I was laughing. I also know, you kissed me on my nose which I really hate and you love. I was fine till then. You broke the torch that your grandfather had brought from Madhesha. Everybody was fine with that, I mean nobody bothered to say you even a word. I lost control. You saw your mother going crazy just over an old torch. I really don’t remember where I hit you. Hope not on your cheek.
Forgive me.

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